Possibly the most satisfying day of my life came when I finally paid off the last of my credit card debt. Make no mistake about it, these companies are out to get you! I am NOT paranoid. There IS a conspiracy. And I've set up this web page to prove it! Beginning November 12, 1998 I am going to log every single credit card offer I receive. I expect the sheer volume of the mail will prove my point that THEY'RE OUT TO GET YOU! All these cards suck by the way. If you don't understand why, e-mail me and I will happily elaborate. NEVER EVER EVER GET A CARD INVOLVED WITH FIRST USA.
at&t mastercard 3.9% apr (this is in big print) (in small print: applies only to stuff transferred from other credit card, 14.9% for any current purchases) $40 free gift (this is in big print) (in small print: the gift is free calling rates, a service charge will apply to each call, only good for first 90 days) no annual fee. November 12, 1998. One last weird thing, they addressed this card to Susan Brooks, Jr. (Jr.? Can a girl be a junior. My mom's name wasn't Susan, where did they get this?)
us west platinum visa something to make life easier... (in teeny tiny print: Authorization:If I don't already have a USWEST Calling Card, this shall be deemed a request to establish a USWEST Calling Card Account for me. That account is a separate, independent obligation and account with USWEST, and it is governed by the separate terms and conditions furnished by USWEST. I agree to be bound by all of the terms and conditions applicable to that account {well this definitely makes life easier, now uswest can screw you 2 ways, through their credit card and unexplained calling card system), introductory 4.9% fixed apr until the year 2000 then continue saving with a 9.99% fixed apr. no annual fee.(SURPRISE: in small print if payment is received late twice in any six-month period, an adjusted APR of 19.99% takes effect on purchases and balances transfers. Does this sound familiar? that's right... uswest platinum visa is run by those vultures of the credit card world: FirstUSA Bank.) yours free! call waiting/caller id phone (in small print: just make your first purchase or balance transfer by Nov. 1, 1999 and the gift will be on its way in super small print: please allow 6-8 weeks for delivery after the first use of your card. NOW ISN'T THAT TYPICAL, THEY SENT THIS APPLICATION ON SEPT 15. I BASICALLY WOULD HAVE TO APPLY BY OCT. 1 (2 WEEKS) TO INSURE I GET THE CARD BY OCT 20 (SINCE IT TAKES 2+ WEEKS TO GET YOUR NEW CARD) AND THEN I HAVE TO BUY SOMETHING WITHIN 10 DAYS TO GET THAT DAMN PHONE. BUT THEY HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD TO MAIL THE CHEAPASS PHONE. IT'S PRETTY OBVIOUS WHAT THE PRIORITY IS FOR USWEST. purchasing power with a credit line up to $100,000.
toys r us visa through chase manhatten bank. 4% rebate (this is in big print) (in small every time you earn $10 in rebates [after spending $250 on credit card], you'll receive a coupon in the mail good towards toys r us merchandise) no annual fee and 9.9% apr (this is in big print)(in small print: 9.9 applies only to stuff transferred from other credit card, 22.49% for any current purchases). .
platinum issue visa 11.9% FIXED apr (this is in big print)(in small apr is 16.99% as of October 20, 1998) You've earned Platinum status (this is in big print) (in small print: sign statement agreeing that you have no present intention to file for bankruptcy) Choose the card rated number one by consumers (this is in big print) you're among the select few invited to carry a most prestigious credit card (this is in big print) (in small the minimum income required to receive the Visa Platinum is $35,000 a year)(by the way, I don't make 35,000).
providian financial visa the VISA you've been waiting for! (this is in big print) (in no print it doesn't mention that I haven't been waiting for a visa, that I in fact don't want a visa). Providian's 100% Guarantee of Satisfaction (this is in big print) (in small print: If for any reason you're not completely satisfied, you can return your card unused and... UNUSED!!! So the only thing that they will guarantee is that you like the look of their credit card or envelope.) (in small print: 19.99% Variable apr) No enrollment fee (this is in big print) (in small annual fee is $59) (card is sent by express mail. Send no money - the one-time $19.95 fee will be billed to your first statement.)
providian financial visa month 3 same application, same envelope, no difference. Both month 1 and month 3 said LIMITED-TIME OFFER. I just realized a century could be considered a "limited time" depending on your perspective.
usaa platinum mastercard Enjoy the Advantages of USAA (in small print: you may be eligible for up to 15% in savings on hotel accomodations...MAY? MAY be eligible. So if you're sleeping with Larry Seedig, the president of USAA Savings Bank, you PROBABLY WILL get the 15% but if you're not, you PROBABLY WON'T) 9% Variable APR (in small print: remains in effect for one year, afterwards is raised 2.9%. The minimum APR for balances (after the introductory period) will be 10%) 2% Cash Rebate (in small print: when you use your card for purchases by 12/31/98, a 2% rebate will be credited to your USAA MasterCard Account. A)I received this card Nov. 12, by the time the paperwork went through it would be Nov. 30, so one month of a rebate, not very appealing and B) crediting to your account is not the same as CASH) Plus a $25 Bonus Credit. In case you missed our initial offer, here's your second chance to accept (Now they're bribing me, how many second chances will I get? I'll keep you posted) No cash advance fees/ no transaction fees (I swear to god in small print it says: finance charges on ATM, cash advances, or Convenience checks accrue from the date of posting until the balance is paid in full. You see finance charge is a synonym for FEE but is not the word FEE.) (As a special note this is one of those companies who in small print says that you pay a Late Payment Charge (not fee) of $20 if you don't pay your bill by 15 days after the payment is due. I was once charged $15 Late Payment by a Credit Card company because my balance was ZERO and so I illogically did not send them a check for payment of Zero Dollars, I swear to god. When I called them up, they acted like, "this happens all the time, we're so sorry, next time just mail it in saying you wish to pay Zero dollars." Yeah, that's an acceptable waste of a stamp. By the way USAA Savings Bank is centered in Las Vegas, NV.
the NEW first usa titanium mastercard (they must be getting desperate, since I didn't apply for their damn platinum card) (I knew it was going to happen, as soon as they start making Golf Clubs and Rocket Parts out of a new metal, credit cards have to jump on the bandwagon. Isn't it great that there's an even more elitist metal than Platinum? I'd feel better about these Gold, Platinum, and Titanium offers that they are throwing around if the cards were actually made of those metals. But no, they're still generic plastic which they mail at bulk rate to every poor slob on their mailing list) 2.9% APR, (This was in huge print, the biggest writing on the envelope. Inside, in a smaller font it says "Go to 9.99% APR." In even smaller print it says "without a balance transfer, a low fixed APR of 9.99% will apply" No Annual Fee, "An Extraordinary Value!" (they actually put this in quotes without saying who they quoted) Raise your standards.(In small print: A 20 to 25 day interest-free grace period on purchases. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? They've got this business down to an exact science but can't tell you how many days YOU have before you have to pay off before the charge you fees galore. I bet they can tell you exactly how many days before they start mailing harassing letters about not paying on time. If I'm going to raise my standards, this isn't what I had in mind) (in extremely small print: certain limitations, exceptions, and restrictions apply to these benefits. Details will be provided when you become a cardholder. EXCUSE ME? You want me to transfer all my debt from my other credit cards to you and give you all this personal information incl. credit report to you and THEN you'll tell me the conditions of your Bulk Mailing Credit Card? I think the word is FUCK YOU.) Lower your rates.Credit line up to $100,000. (in small print: a credit line from $5000 up to $100,000 can easily handle all your spending needs. Excuse me? $5000 is not going to handle all my spending needs. $5000 can cope with the day to day grind but it's not going to handle buying a car, or taking a trip, or paying medical bills. How amazingly full of themselves. First USA - YOU SUCK.
american express corporate Dear Susan Mai ( My name is susan brooks losers.) Congratulations! It must feel great to be running your own business (um...I'm not running a business) Your American Express immediately reflects your company's financial stability (which would be "unstable" since I don't have a business)
american express corporate month 3 Reply by March 12,1999 (since I will be receiving a new application on March 13th which will say I only have 2 months to reply before the same offer is again repeated) Unlike cash, checks, and personal credit cards, the Gold Corporate Card is a true business card. (I thought a business card was something you printed up at Kinko's with your name, address, and phone number on it. No one thinks cash is a business card. You can't put money in a fishbowl to win a free lunch for two at Tony Roma's and expect a phone call.) Your window of opportunity will close soon. (I think this is really amex's window of opportunity, they're the one's getting MY money. All I get is a piece of plastic. Wahoo.)
aaa washington You get the most complete Emergency Road Services in America, 24 hours a Day...(well, this is an interesting card. personally i don't drive. i don't even have a driver's license, let alone a car. how did i get on these people's list? they definitely use shock tactics -) Every year we get about 7 calls for roadside assistance for every 10 members! The chances are good you'll need help at least once during the next 12 months! You get this only from AAA! (geez, if it's that dangerous, i'll just walk. oh yeah, i do walk.) Only about 8 cents a day! (that's 3 cents more a day than it takes to feed a starving child in Africa) (included in the application was a cheap bumper sticker that says AAA. isn't that kinda lame. Like I'm supposed to advertise for them while I drive around in my non-existant car.)
***EVIL CREDIT CARD*** ticketmaster mastercard 9.9% Fixed APR This is not an introductory APR.(in super small print "if at any time payment is received late twice in any six month period, a 19.99% fixed rate will take affect." since FIRST USA is the bank for this card, I can attest that you WILL BE LATE. I had FIRST USA for 4 months. Twice they charged me huge fees for being late when I had sent the checks 1 week before the due date. Since they only give you 2 weeks before payment is due, I assume that you MUST pay the day you receive the bill. I wrote FIRST USA a nasty letter and tore up the card. I suggest you do the same. THERE IS ALSO A LATE PAYMENT FEE OF $29. WHAM BAM) An extra bonus- Dining Rewards Program, you'll receive 20% dining rebate credits at participating local restaurants. No annual fee. You'll earn 1 point for every dollar you spend. Redeem points for reward rebates. (in super small print "the first $20 in rebates goes to the ANNUAL dining rewards fee". THIS IS EVIL. How many points go into a rebate? they don't say. For all we know 20000 dollars gets you 2 dollars in rebates which then goes to paying for dining rewards that you don't want that only gets you a DISCOUNT at some restaurant. Not even tickets. No annual fee BULLSHIT ). Credit line up to $100,000. (in small print: we've secured a credit line for you from $5000 up to $100,000. in super small print: in certain instances, you may receive a standard card with a credit line of less than $5,000.) Exclusive Ticketmaster Hotline (allows you to order Ticketmaster merchandise {not tickets} and to redeem points). By special invitation only. (in small print - Bulk Rate U.S. Postage Paid. Card Center)
bankone platinum visa this card's interesting because it was mailed to both susan brooks (me) and susan trenery at my home address. i don't know a susan trenery. things like this just make me so paranoid. i know credit card companies are incompetent but now there is always going to be this doubt that there is some susan trenery chick using my house as her alias. is that why i get so many credit card applications? back to the card -- credit line up to $35,000 (that's an odd number to pick at random)(in small print: we may request additional information for a credit line above $25,000) no annual fee, 3.9% fixed introductory APR (in small print: after the five month anniversary date, a 9.99% fixed APR will be in effect for all purchases. Geez, I'd hate to be married to BankOne, the anniversary presents must suck), itemized expense tracking (in other words: monthly statements FOR FREE! whoopie.)
chase platinum mastercard 2.99% introductory APR.(after 9 months, APR is 13.24% if your balances are greater than or equal to $2500, 15.24% if your balances are LESS than $2500.) The benefits you want. (in small print: we (or Merrick Bank if your Invitation Certificate is transferred to Merrick Bank) may share account and other information as well as information contained in your Invitation Certificate and in any credit report on you, with any Chase (or Merrick Bank) affiliates and others for the purpose of considering your eligibility for their products or services, including banking, insurance and investment products.THAT'S A GREAT BENEFIT, THANKS FOR SPAMMING ME CHASE PLATINUM) At a rate you deserve. (in small print: Card features and services have some restrictions, exclusions and limitations. Full details will be provided when you become a cardmember.) There's no annual fee.(in small print: Minimum Finance Charge for Purchases - $.50) Priority processing (in small print: You agree to allow approximately 30 days for us to process your Invitation Certificate and transfer balances of other credit cards to your Chase account)
discover platinum plus, a double cashback bonus. (in small print: you'll earn a cashback bonus award with every purchase you make, plus the opportunity to double it. OPPORTUNITY? that isn't the same as having a "double cashback bonus" you boneheads!) you're pre-selected for a 2.9% apr!(in small print: enjoy a great rate of just 12.99% on purchases. low 2.9% apr on balance transfers) platinum-level privileges (in small print: 7% off at barnesandnoble.com {what if you don't own a computer?}) (in small print: minimum finance charge is $0.50)
asian american assoc. visa remember how i received an application addressed to susan mai, instead of susan brooks. well, now the adult in the "mai household" or resident has received this visa application. 3.9%APR.(in small print: APR 12.99% for purchases) no annual fee. credit line up to $100,000 combining the value of the past with the promise of the future (in small print: application must be completed in english [pretty cheeky since half the writing in the brochure was in Korean]). free year-end summary of charges (!!!! this a bonus?)
asian american assoc. visa month 3 exactly the same as the first one but now the envelope is bright yellow instead of deep red. oh, and 2.9% APR (they want the mai household or resident BAD)
l.l. bean platinum plus (reason #1 why not to buy a sweatshirt through a mail order catalog. it's just a matter of time before i get applications for the j.crew mastercard and the gap discover card) new! 2.9% APR (with 3.9% APR crossed out) no annual fee. preapproved. free regular shipping by fedex (but only on things ordered from llbean). free monogram- ming (in small print: but not engraving, embroidery or embossing. ? what other medium can you monogram with?). free l.l bean products to earn (in super small print: coupon dollars are earned at arate of 3% per dollar for purchases made at llbean and .5 % [.5%! that's half a penny for every dollar spent, it will take years to make 20 bucks])
l.l. bean platinum plus same month (the previous card was the FUN one directed towards mummys with little tots who get into wee bits of twubble. it had lots of primary colors and happy news. this card is the SERIOUS one for father who works hard all day at the office making important decisions like: "do the vertical blue stripes of my oxford shirt clash with the diagonal yellow stripes of my power tie".) I love the intro: "Dear Susan H. Brooks: There has never been a better time to apply for the l.l.bean platinum plus visa" (in other words- they just found out about me and if they could get me to apply on the very first try then life is sweet) all the benefits are the same as the mommy card, just worded differently. i.e. "earn $6.00 for every $200 you spend at l.l.bean. (I guess "earn 3 bucks for every 100 dollars you spend sounds cheap. Notice they don't put $200.00, that way you might miss the dot in $6.00)